This will be a stream of consciousness blog experiment. Mainly because it is currently my second to last day of classes at university, and by the time I finish writing this blog, it will be my very last day.
I never really imagined that I would see today come so quickly. I still remember quite clearly my very first class. It was pretty mean, and it made me think that maybe I'd made the right choice in choosing an engineering degree. I actually still remember my first time trying to figure out nDeva. Those were some good times.
My head is full of mixed emotions at the moment. The last few years have been incredible for my growth and development in all facets of my life, while at the same time feeling a lot like running on an endless treadmill of assignments and tests with no real reward. I have met so many amazing people too, and it makes me sad to think that after this year, many of our paths may never cross again.
I attended an international school in China for a couple of years (2001-2003), and one of my teachers said something which really made an impression on me. She said that it is a bad idea to get close to people emotionally, because people will always be moving and out of your life, and it is best to spare yourself the pain when they leave. And to a degree this has affected the way I think about my relationships with people even now, and it makes me a little bit upset to know that I have a bit of that mentality in me because I don't agree with it.
I don't think that I've really conducted myself in a way which pushes people away when they get too close, but there is still a voice in the back of my mind that says 'Dude, it's really going to suck when they leave.' Which is stupid because I shouldn't have even been thinking about that in the first place, because the only thing that you should think about is here and now (within reason, of course). Imagine how many memories I could have missed out on, how many friendships I could have squandered, how many experiences I could have passed over if I had let that voice get the best of me. That was stupid advice, Mrs. Maths Teacher From 2002.
It's kind of strange. I'm happy and I'm sad at the same time. I'm not going to miss the tests and exams, that's for sure. I'm going to have assignments and projects for the rest of my career, so it's not like I'm going to be leaving those behind. If I was though, I don't think I'd miss them either. I think, apart from the people, I will miss the freedom that comes with the process gaining a university education.
Reflecting back on the past 4 years, I have realised how big a part of my life music has become. When I first started engineering, music was more of a hobby, and not something that I really wanted to do seriously. But over these last few years, the idea of music being a viable career option has changed from being a fantasy to something rather more realistic and appealing. Funnily enough, if there is anything that engineering school has taught me, it's how much I need and want and love to make music.
To be honest, the thought of having a desk job is one of my biggest fears. I don't feel like it is something that I'm cut out for, or would be very good at. I have a graduate engineering position next year, and it kind of feels like I am at the start of the rest of my gray, boring, working life. Is this really what I am going to be doing for the next 45 years? Maybe I am just part of a work-averse generation. Or maybe this is not what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know.
Or maybe I just don't have the courage to admit to myself that I do want to be a musician full-time, and that music is what I truly want to dedicate my life to. Maybe I don't have the guts to throw myself into the deep end and just make music full time, without the safety of engineering. Maybe this is ultimately what will stop me from doing what I love for a living. Is it fear? Or is it just me being rational about what is possible and what isn't? I don't know.
The trouble here is, music and engineering are two divergent life paths. Each will require too much of my time for me to be able to continue with the other one. And the bigger problem is that as time wears on, the paths will continue to diverge away from each other, until it is pretty much impossible to swap between them. Currently I am lucky enough to be able to walk both paths simultaneously, but pretty soon the gap will be too wide for me to carry on doing this. So I need to make a call and make it soon.
The other problem is, am I really that good of a musician? I know that I can play a and write a bit, but am I good enough to be exceptional? Am I good enough to make a living from music? Obviously I am good enough at engineering to make a living from it because I have a job next year, but with music it is much harder to tell. It's much less objective, and much more uncertain. Maybe this is why I am so unsure of myself and unsure of whether or not to pursue music.
Anyway this has gotten much deeper than I originally anticipated. I guess that's what happens when you just start typing whatever comes into your head. I think I will stop now.
To all my friends and family: You are awesome and I love you. I realise I sound rainbow as but I think that now is as good a time as any to get all sentimental and stuff.
Okay actually stopping now.
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